"Surrender, Surrender. But don't give yourself away..." Cheap Trick
I am afraid to surrender. To really let go. If I let go, I feel as if I will be forced to release all my dreams and desires. My hoped for outcomes. I am so afraid of what might be left. My mind’s eye sees it as a whole lot of nothing. I have tried for so many years to amount to something-a creditable academic, a successful business manager, a more than fledgling writer. I tried for over a decade to make a relationship work that was never really working.
It is exceedingly hard to surrender fully. It goes against the precepts of the American way or whatever remains of the notion of the Protestant work ethic: “Don’t give up the ship!” I mean psychologist Angela Duckworth wrote an entire book on the subject- a NY Times bestseller no less-centered on the meaning of grit and determination:
Grit: The Power of Passion and
Perseverance (2016). Perseverance and resilience factor in big when we’re challenged by life obstacles that might impede the pursuit of our dreams and goals. She is right, but when do we know when what we have been pursuing so persistently might have to be altered a bit? How do we recognize the moment when our grip may have become too tight, that what we’re pursuing is, perhaps, no longer the right way to go? Do we follow our intuition, or do we hunker down and dig our heels in just a little bit more? How do we recognize the right time to call it quits without being plagued by feelings of shame and a sense of personal failure.
In transparency, I don’t know. Sometimes I think I have started to institute a strong reset and then I don’t. I feel I’m fooling myself or being the world’s biggest hypocrite. I state to myself that I am okay accepting life on its terms and that I am done trying to fight its current and tides. Yet like all of us, there are the moments of weakness that are so hard to overcome--the news of a colleague’s promotion, the publication of yet another book by an academic peer and yes, the knowledge that your former partner has met the “love of his life.”
Any of these instances could cause me to jump down a myriad of rabbit holes and I have. I would think it’s sort of the equivalent to what triggers an addict to revert to whatever holds him or her prisoner and well, in a way I am an addict then as well. I guess we all are. In the end or within the overall process, letting go is exceedingly hard. It’s the exposure of the wound; revealing a lot of oneself under the harshest of lights. I must learn to be more forgiving and kinder to myself. We all do. Anyway, enough of this. Time to move forward. Time to move.
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